The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #497

This is a rush transcript of Episode #497 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest was Gregor Philpotter, author of My 21 Years Living in a Cave.

RICHARD:  Can a man know himself well enough to spend 21 years living alone?  Is human contact over-rated?  Is Masturbation really enough? My guest today can answer those questions and much more.  Please welcome Gregor Philpotter to the Richard Mullen Show.

GREGOR: Thank you, Mr. Mullen.

RICHARD: Tell me, do you still live alone?

GREGOR: Actually, no, I no longer live alone, I found the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with and am very happy.

RICHARD: Great!  How long have you been out of the cave? 

GREGOR: Well, Sharon and I moved in together nearly two years ago, and were just married three months ago.

RICHARD: Congratulations! That is wonderful!  I’m perplexed, however, how were you able to meet her?

GREGOR: Well, I’m happy to say that we met using an online dating service.

RICHARD: I am profoundly surprised, but also impressed.  I didn’t realize how advanced your cave was.

GREGOR: I lived like anyone else did, I had the internet and television.

RICHARD: That must have been expense to set up.

GREGOR: Not really, it was the standard cost, noting special

RICHARD: Wow, you must have gotten long term deals.  Anyway, tell me about the dampness.  How did you deal with that?

GREGOR: In the summers it could get a little humid, but I wouldn’t feel a thing, I used my central air all the time.

RICHARD: A/C?  Seriously?  I’m thinking the electrical set up must have been a nightmare alone, but duct-work too?

GREGOR: Yeah, it was all pretty standard.

RICHARD: Haha..for a cave.  That’s a good one.  Seriously, are you secretly wealthy?  Or was this really more of an old  bomb shelter you grandfather built in the early 1960’s?

GREGOR: It was actually a rehabbed 19th Century structure.

RICHARD: How did you manage to never leave?

GREGOR: Well my “cave” as it were, left me no choice.  I had locked myself in.

RICHARD: How did you eat?  Did you have stockpiles of food?

GREGOR: What?

RICHARD: Did you have stockpiles of food in your cave?  This is why I brought up the bomb shelter idea, it was the only way I saw this as possible.

GREGOR: Wait a second, you think I lived in an actual cave for 21 years?

RICHARD: Ah, yes, Gregor, that’s what your book is about…

GREGOR: No, actually, it isn’t.

RICHARD: Ok, it about more than just living in a cave for 21 years, it is about how you coped with living in a cave for 21 years.

GREGOR: Have you read my book?

RICHARD: Oh, of course I did….

GREGOR: Really?

RICHARD: Ok, I’m sorry, I lied.  I try to read as much of any book a guest has written as I can.  This time I just did not have time.  I played in a celebrity Tennis Tournament last night and just didn’t have the time.

GREGOR: I see…

RICHARD: So I read the synopsis my assistant wrote for me.

GREGOR: Well, I don’t think your assistant read the book either if he/she thinks after reading the book I actually lived a cave for 21 years.

RICHARD: I apologize Gregor, on behalf of myself and my entire staff.  We are not perfect and can make mistakes.

GREGOR: I understand.  I just thought someone would have read the press kit my publisher sent along.  It has a three sentence description of the book which makes it clear what the book is about.

RICHARD: Well, again, sorry about that.  Guess we all had too much to drink after the celebrity Tennis tournament last night.  You see, I won, and I promised to take my staff out drinking if I won.  I keep my promises.  I promise you now, the chance to tell us, what is the book My 21 Years Living in a Cave by Gregor Philpotter, from Southgate Publishing, about?

GREGOR: Richard, it is about my living with and then conquering my fear of intimacy. 

RICHARD: So, there was no actual cave?

GREGOR: The cave was a Metaphor.

RICHARD: Are you sure it wasn’t a simile?

GREGOR: Yes, I am sure.

RICHARD: Ok, well, we are almost out of time, so I wish to thank Gregor Philpotter author of My 21 Years Living in a Cave available now in paperback from Southgate Publishing.  Just to make everyone at home crystal clear on the topic, Gregor did not actually live in a cave.  Please ignore the links to spelunking and the Stalagmite blogs on our website next to his picture.  We apologize for any confusion.  Please join us next time.

The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #467

This is a rush transcript of Episode #467 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest Lorn DeLusted, shared his thoughts on life and culture in the Cincinnati Metro area.

RICHARD: When you want to know the pulse of the City, there is only one person to ask: Lorn DeLusted.  His off kilter viewpoints are a regular fixture here on the Richard Mullen Show.  I don't think I could have found all of my younger mistresses without his help. Don't tell my wife about that, though, its just between friends. Lorn, what outlandishness to you have for us today?

LORN: Uncle Dick does like him a liter of young ladies….

RICHARD: (laughing) I better update any new viewers out there to Lorn's reference to my nom de guerre, Uncle Dick.  When I go out clubbing, I am always careful to not give my real name.

LORN: And I am sure you always wear a condom!

RICHARD: Only if she makes me!  (Laughter) Well, on to this weekend.  What will be the hotest spot?

LORN: April is indeed a cruel month!  I had to search high and low for the must be seen at event and I found it.  I won't give out the address, but I will say there is a certain woman with a certain amazing house with an amazingly cavernous pussy…opps…I meant basement.  Wendy K. is throwing an invitation only clothes optional party at her house up a Ravinous hill.

RICHARD: Oh, I can tell you stories about Wendy K.  Let me just say, that Nathanael West must have been thinking of her when he wrote the line "A lollapalooza–all slut and a yard wide." Those were the days Lorn, young Hollywood.  God how I miss it.

LORN: For you slacker viewers out there, they might be happy to learn that a new website is coming out to tell you exactly where to find free beer.  It only asks you for the emails of everyone you know, so it is a bargin.  Last week I ended up at this really big Westside guys house way out in Cheviot.  You would have thought I had boobs for the way he kept staring at me.  I was lucky I came with my loyal slavegyrl Mishella.  Never go to any party without a tall muscular man in a miniskirt.

RICHARD: Good advice for everyone.

LORN: I can't tell you how many times it saved me from talking to some boring architect or designer.  I mean, who cares about drawing!

RICHARD: I can barely draw stick figures.

LORN: I had to sit through a lecture when trying to finish the nine flights of wine this woman bought me.  She so wanted to take me home with her, but I was only into her for the free drinks.

RICAHRD: What a card you are, what a card!

LORN: She would have been good in bed, but I don't like women who wear jeans to a wine bar.  If you can't show off your legs while drinking wine, then you are just poor white trash.

RICHARD: Hey now, poor white trash are people too.

LORN: They are, I know…I'm sorry…they give good head, I get it, I get it.

RICHARD: What big events are coming up this summer?

LORN: Well, there will be a weekly champaign crusie on the Ohio for anyone who knows Bobby D.  He has a large boat to make up for his small penis, and the ladies love him for it and his money.  The Ladies like money!

RICHARD: This is what I keep telling my accountant keeps when he asks where all of my money goes.

LORN: If you want to get laid, you have to had paid…the checks all night long.

RICHARD: Lorn, you know it, damn it man, you know it all too well.

LORN: I'm think we need another weekend in Mexico.  Hot tubs full of hookers,  a gross of sex frisbees, all the blow your money can buy, and we can even bring your wife.

RICHARD: Hold on, hold on. You had me up to the wife part..(laughter)

LORN: She likes to party too, or so I hear….

RICHARD: In her youth, she was known to show up naked at biker bars, but who didn't?

LORN: I’ve hear stories even you don’t know.

RICHARD: Really? Well TMX would pay you a mint for them.  Then you would be buying me the blow!

LORN: A good scenester never buys the blow, at least not with money.

RICHARD: Another lesson for the book?

LORN: It may be, still working on that.  It would have to pass many legal hurdles.  Not all of the friends are as forgiving as you.

RICHARD: You are too much. My guest has been Lorn DeLusted sharing this weekend’s coolest events in Cincinnati.  If you find a way to join the fun, remember to not take photos of anyone snorting coke.  It is just a big social no-no.

LORN: If anyone does have photos like that, I’ll buy them!

RICHARD: What a card!