The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #458

This is a rush transcript of Episode #458 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s Guests were Dalia Winters and Todd Lang, co-authors of  the book Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza.

RICHARD:  Peperoni…Mushrooms…Sausage…are what I want on my pizza.  If there are two people in the world who know Pizza better than my guests, Dalia Winters and Todd Lang authors of a tasteful read: Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza, then point them out.  I hope to learn everthing I can about pizza in about 8 minutes. Later we’ll be prank calling pizza orders, but first let me ask: Thin or Thick crust, what should I have?

TODD: Always go with thin crust, you don’t need the extra dough to cloud the flavors.

RICHARD: Dalia, do you agree?

DALIA: I…I…I…really am sorry, but I need to say something.

RICHARD: That’s why you’re here.

DALIA: I’m sorry, but I just can’t go on any more. Todd, I hate to do this right now, but we can’t date any more and to be honest, I’ve been cheating on you, again.

TODD: What?

RICHARD: Todd, it would appear Dalia has been cheating on you, again, and I am guessing by the fact that she is taking off her ear piece and is walking away, that she may be leaving you.

TODD: Dalia, what are you doing?  Where are you going?  Is this another sick joke?

RICHARD: Todd, I’m sorry but my producers are telling me that Dalia just told them that this is no joke, you just got dumped live on television, on the Richard Mullen Show to be precise. What kind of pizza goes with a broken heart?

TODD: It’s…

RICHARD: Yes, Todd?

TODD: Oh, God, this can’t be happening. Not Today.  I thought we had worked it out.

RICHARD: Worked what out?

TODD: She told me she had stopped seeing Chris six months ago.  I..I…I don’t understand. (crying)

RICHARD: Todd, what do you suppose made her cheat? Does it have anything to do with Pizza?

TODD: (crying) No, I, don’t know. (crying)

RICHARD: Were book sales going well enough?

TODD: Well, Chris’s last report said sales were doing well.

RICHARD:  Chris is?

TODD: Our Agent.

RICHARD: And your girlfriend’s new lover?

TODD:  Old and new lover, apparently.

RICHARD: Well, once a cheater always a cheater, they always say.

TODD: I should have known, I suppose.

RICHARD: Well, at least you have pizza.

TODD: Yeah, I guess I’ll always have pizza.

RICHARD: Who needs love when you can have deep dish! Thank you for your honestly, Todd.

TODD: I think I need a drink.

RICHARD: You might just want an entire bottle.  Todd Lang has been our guest along with his ex-girlfriend Dalia Winters. Both are co-authors of the book Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza, which is #747 on Amazon’s best-selling non-fiction list. Oh, late word from one our producers, on her way out of the studio, Dalia also told the producer that Todd has a really small penis, not that this matters in the Pizza world, but I thought I would just pass it along.

The Richard Mullen Show: Transcript #445

This is a rush transcript of Episode #445 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest was Chuck Krontz, self-proclaimed “King of Unrequited Love.” His new book, The Myth of Love, is now available in paperback.

RICHARD: Do you love someone, yet they have no idea or they just don’t care?  Our guest today is the self-proclaimed King of Unrequited Love and will share his thoughts on love and what it all means. Chuck Krontz, welcome to the Richard Mullen Show.  What is love?

CHUCK: Richard, love is a myth.

RICHARD: Yes, your book makes that clear, and it's a great read, by the way.  What makes you the King of Unrequited Love?

CHUCK: Well, I have tallied the most women who I have loved, but who never returned that love.

RICHARD: That is a bold claim, how many women are we talking?  3 or 5 or maybe 9?

CHUCK: Try 87 women.

RICHARD: 87? Good God Man, that is a huge number!  I give you the crown, no questions asked, well, just a few more questions…(laughter).

CHUCK: Of course.

RICHARD: How did you fall in love with so many women, yet have none of the 87 love you?

CHUCK:  It was dumb luck and well, I get over broken hearts very quickly.

RICHARD: How many of these women did you date?

CHUCK: Only a small portion, maybe five or so.  Most Unrequited Love goes unsaid.  I would say only half of the women I’ve loved ever had any idea I had any type of feelings for them.

RICHARD: Have you ever been married?

CHUCK: Only in my mind, Richard, Only in my Mind.

RICHARD: (Laughter) Hah, yes, of course!

CHUCK: In all seriousness, no, I’ve never been married.  Not even been close.

RICHARD: How did you meet all of these women?

CHUCK: Well, some of them I didn’t really know.

RICHARD: Didn’t know them?  What do you mean?  How do you love someone you don’t know?

CHUCK:  I have spoken to all of them. There were many different types and situations.  Sometimes I’d fall for the barista at my local coffeeshop, that happend more than once.  Sometimes it was a bartender or waitress.  I’ve fallen for my college room-mate’s sister.  I’ve been in love with female friends over the years, off and on.  My hair stylist is an amazing woman.  Then there were a few professors in college.

RICHARD: I think our viewers get the picture.

CHUCK: Do they?  I once fell in love with my girlfriend’s best friend.  That was a thorny minefield.  I ending up telling my girlfriend how I felt. That ended things quickly. She and her friend never talked to me again.  Funny part was I never loved my girlfriend.  Only a handful of women I dated, the five I mentioned before, were women I actually loved.  Dating is the part of love that is the biggest hindrance to actually finding love.

RICHARD: But I thought you said love was a myth?

CHUCK: Well, that’s a gimmick to sell books.  It’s not really a myth, it is just so rare.

RICHARD: You really think it is rare?  I am in love with my wife.  Most of the people I know are married and in love.  How is it rare?

CHUCK: Well, the question was asked in lyric long ago “Why do fools fall in love?” The real answer is that question is that too many fools think they are in love, but they really are not.

RICHARD: I see. So, how do you tell the difference between love and false love?

CHUCK: Well, most of the time it is not real love, it is Unrequited Love, of which I know all about.

RICHARD: You mean both parties of most marriages don’t love each other?

CHUCK: Correct.  Someone settled on someone or maybe both settled on each other and were too scared of being alone.  Why do you think there are so many divorces?  When you settle, odds are it won’t last, unless you settle when you are over age 50.

RICHARD: Food for thought.  One last question: Will you ever fall in love?

CHUCK: Well, I’m 47 years old. I’m not dead, but the odds are against me. All I can do is hope and keep my online dating profile up-to-date.

RICHARD: Chuck Krontz, author of The Myth of Love, now in paperback, has been our guest.  Thank you Chuck, and I hope to have you back again.

CHUCK: Thanks Richard, it has been fun.

RICHARD: Tomorrow night, join us for Betty Nixon, on the plight of the single women in today’s dog eat dog Business world.  Chuck, do you want her number?

Not Smelling the Rotten Meat

Pariah #1: Last night I had this dream where I left a gallon jug of waffle batter on the kitchen counter and then just put it away in the morning.  It was so real.  I even remember sniffing the batter to see if it smelled bad.  I don’t even know if it can go bad, let alone if it can go bad in one night.

Pariah #2: Huh, yeah, interesting.

Pariah #1: I love the dreams that you can smell.  They are so crisp.  Actually smelling dinner or flowers or the crotch of the women you’re having sex with…that's vivid…that's inspiration.

Pariah #2: Have you ever noticed that people really don’t like us?

Pariah #1: Us?  No! Everyone digs us!

Mars and Other Odd Occurrences

BLOB #1: I hate going to dinner the same place every week.

BLOB #2: I hate taking you to dinner…

BLOB #1: Where did we park the car?

BLOB #2: You can drive?

BLOB #1: No, but the human you ate for dinner might still be able to drive.

BLOB #2: Good point!  Pardon the gas as I cough him up.

MAN: Ahahahahahah, what the fuck is happening????

BLOB #1: Damn it, humans are so incredibly ugly.

BLOB #2: Preaching to choir, preaching to the choir.

BLOB #1: One of these days, we are going to run out of them to consume, what are we going to do then?

BLOB #2: Who cares, by that point, we'll have died.