The Conveyor

This is a rush transcript of Episode #458 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s Guests were Dalia Winters and Todd Lang, co-authors of  the book Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza.

RICHARD:  Peperoni…Mushrooms…Sausage…are what I want on my pizza.  If there are two people in the world who know Pizza better than my guests, Dalia Winters and Todd Lang authors of a tasteful read: Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza, then point them out.  I hope to learn everthing I can about pizza in about 8 minutes. Later we’ll be prank calling pizza orders, but first let me ask: Thin or Thick crust, what should I have?

TODD: Always go with thin crust, you don’t need the extra dough to cloud the flavors.

RICHARD: Dalia, do you agree?

DALIA: I…I…I…really am sorry, but I need to say something.

RICHARD: That’s why you’re here.

DALIA: I’m sorry, but I just can’t go on any more. Todd, I hate to do this right now, but we can’t date any more and to be honest, I’ve been cheating on you, again.

TODD: What?

RICHARD: Todd, it would appear Dalia has been cheating on you, again, and I am guessing by the fact that she is taking off her ear piece and is walking away, that she may be leaving you.

TODD: Dalia, what are you doing?  Where are you going?  Is this another sick joke?

RICHARD: Todd, I’m sorry but my producers are telling me that Dalia just told them that this is no joke, you just got dumped live on television, on the Richard Mullen Show to be precise. What kind of pizza goes with a broken heart?

TODD: It’s…

RICHARD: Yes, Todd?

TODD: Oh, God, this can’t be happening. Not Today.  I thought we had worked it out.

RICHARD: Worked what out?

TODD: She told me she had stopped seeing Chris six months ago.  I..I…I don’t understand. (crying)

RICHARD: Todd, what do you suppose made her cheat? Does it have anything to do with Pizza?

TODD: (crying) No, I, don’t know. (crying)

RICHARD: Were book sales going well enough?

TODD: Well, Chris’s last report said sales were doing well.

RICHARD:  Chris is?

TODD: Our Agent.

RICHARD: And your girlfriend’s new lover?

TODD:  Old and new lover, apparently.

RICHARD: Well, once a cheater always a cheater, they always say.

TODD: I should have known, I suppose.

RICHARD: Well, at least you have pizza.

TODD: Yeah, I guess I’ll always have pizza.

RICHARD: Who needs love when you can have deep dish! Thank you for your honestly, Todd.

TODD: I think I need a drink.

RICHARD: You might just want an entire bottle.  Todd Lang has been our guest along with his ex-girlfriend Dalia Winters. Both are co-authors of the book Save Me a Slice, The Guide to Pizza, which is #747 on Amazon’s best-selling non-fiction list. Oh, late word from one our producers, on her way out of the studio, Dalia also told the producer that Todd has a really small penis, not that this matters in the Pizza world, but I thought I would just pass it along.

This is a rush transcript of Episode #445 of the Richard Mullen Show.  Today’s guest was Chuck Krontz, self-proclaimed “King of Unrequited Love.” His new book, The Myth of Love, is now available in paperback.

RICHARD: Do you love someone, yet they have no idea or they just don’t care?  Our guest today is the self-proclaimed King of Unrequited Love and will share his thoughts on love and what it all means. Chuck Krontz, welcome to the Richard Mullen Show.  What is love?

CHUCK: Richard, love is a myth.

RICHARD: Yes, your book makes that clear, and it's a great read, by the way.  What makes you the King of Unrequited Love?

CHUCK: Well, I have tallied the most women who I have loved, but who never returned that love.

RICHARD: That is a bold claim, how many women are we talking?  3 or 5 or maybe 9?

CHUCK: Try 87 women.

RICHARD: 87? Good God Man, that is a huge number!  I give you the crown, no questions asked, well, just a few more questions…(laughter).

CHUCK: Of course.

RICHARD: How did you fall in love with so many women, yet have none of the 87 love you?

CHUCK:  It was dumb luck and well, I get over broken hearts very quickly.

RICHARD: How many of these women did you date?

CHUCK: Only a small portion, maybe five or so.  Most Unrequited Love goes unsaid.  I would say only half of the women I’ve loved ever had any idea I had any type of feelings for them.

RICHARD: Have you ever been married?

CHUCK: Only in my mind, Richard, Only in my Mind.

RICHARD: (Laughter) Hah, yes, of course!

CHUCK: In all seriousness, no, I’ve never been married.  Not even been close.

RICHARD: How did you meet all of these women?

CHUCK: Well, some of them I didn’t really know.

RICHARD: Didn’t know them?  What do you mean?  How do you love someone you don’t know?

CHUCK:  I have spoken to all of them. There were many different types and situations.  Sometimes I’d fall for the barista at my local coffeeshop, that happend more than once.  Sometimes it was a bartender or waitress.  I’ve fallen for my college room-mate’s sister.  I’ve been in love with female friends over the years, off and on.  My hair stylist is an amazing woman.  Then there were a few professors in college.

RICHARD: I think our viewers get the picture.

CHUCK: Do they?  I once fell in love with my girlfriend’s best friend.  That was a thorny minefield.  I ending up telling my girlfriend how I felt. That ended things quickly. She and her friend never talked to me again.  Funny part was I never loved my girlfriend.  Only a handful of women I dated, the five I mentioned before, were women I actually loved.  Dating is the part of love that is the biggest hindrance to actually finding love.

RICHARD: But I thought you said love was a myth?

CHUCK: Well, that’s a gimmick to sell books.  It’s not really a myth, it is just so rare.

RICHARD: You really think it is rare?  I am in love with my wife.  Most of the people I know are married and in love.  How is it rare?

CHUCK: Well, the question was asked in lyric long ago “Why do fools fall in love?” The real answer is that question is that too many fools think they are in love, but they really are not.

RICHARD: I see. So, how do you tell the difference between love and false love?

CHUCK: Well, most of the time it is not real love, it is Unrequited Love, of which I know all about.

RICHARD: You mean both parties of most marriages don’t love each other?

CHUCK: Correct.  Someone settled on someone or maybe both settled on each other and were too scared of being alone.  Why do you think there are so many divorces?  When you settle, odds are it won’t last, unless you settle when you are over age 50.

RICHARD: Food for thought.  One last question: Will you ever fall in love?

CHUCK: Well, I’m 47 years old. I’m not dead, but the odds are against me. All I can do is hope and keep my online dating profile up-to-date.

RICHARD: Chuck Krontz, author of The Myth of Love, now in paperback, has been our guest.  Thank you Chuck, and I hope to have you back again.

CHUCK: Thanks Richard, it has been fun.

RICHARD: Tomorrow night, join us for Betty Nixon, on the plight of the single women in today’s dog eat dog Business world.  Chuck, do you want her number?

Pariah #1: Last night I had this dream where I left a gallon jug of waffle batter on the kitchen counter and then just put it away in the morning.  It was so real.  I even remember sniffing the batter to see if it smelled bad.  I don’t even know if it can go bad, let alone if it can go bad in one night.

Pariah #2: Huh, yeah, interesting.

Pariah #1: I love the dreams that you can smell.  They are so crisp.  Actually smelling dinner or flowers or the crotch of the women you’re having sex with…that's vivid...that's inspiration.

Pariah #2: Have you ever noticed that people really don’t like us?

Pariah #1: Us?  No! Everyone digs us!

BLOB #1: I hate going to dinner the same place every week.

BLOB #2: I hate taking you to dinner...

BLOB #1: Where did we park the car?

BLOB #2: You can drive?

BLOB #1: No, but the human you ate for dinner might still be able to drive.

BLOB #2: Good point!  Pardon the gas as I cough him up.

MAN: Ahahahahahah, what the fuck is happening????

BLOB #1: Damn it, humans are so incredibly ugly.

BLOB #2: Preaching to choir, preaching to the choir.

BLOB #1: One of these days, we are going to run out of them to consume, what are we going to do then?

BLOB #2: Who cares, by that point, we'll have died.

#1: So, there’s this thing I want to do.

#2: Yes, I know.

#1: Do you?

#2: Yes, I’ve known what you want to do for years now.

#1: How could you have known?  I didn’t tell anyone.

#2: There are some things you don’t have to say out loud.

#1: I’m not that transparent.

#2: Yes you are and it is both cute and ugly.  All the blood and guts showing, nothing you want to see while eating breakfast.

#1: So you do indeed know what I want to do.

#2: I wasn’t lying.

#1: Which is a first.

#2: Careful, if you want to have breakfast with me, you better be nice.

#1: I’ll worry about breakfast later..you know...in the morning.

It is time again for TheConveyor.com to put forth our opinions and bestow the Awards of Excellence for the Cincinnati Fringe Festival.  2011 was another top notch year with the quality of productions up again.  This year's difference was that no single show was way ahead of the pack.  Our top shows all were very close in ranking, making it very difficult to pick just one show at the top. We made a choice, but I think this year a case could be made for three or four shows to be the overall best. We had to chose only one.

If you've seen the movie True Lies, Bill Paxton plays a used car salesman who pretends to be a spy.  Now, this has absolutely nothing to do with the Four Humor's newest show, You Only Live Forever Once, but if you imagine the pretend spy world that Bill Paxton's character would be living in, it might be something like this show, including the puppets.

Check out the Seedy Seeds latest video filmed while on their national tour supporting their latest album: Verb Noun.

We contain multitudes. Cincinnati is a vibrant city with life bubbling over. If you were to stick with the mainstream channels of information, you wouldn't know how alive Cincinnati is. We are here to change that. We are the Conveyor. We aim to be original, but not obtuse. Our mission is the explore the city and bring our readers experiences and opportunities.

I, Mr. Editor, have started this endeavor to bring the people of Cincinnati closer to their own community. The goal is to open the eyes of the people of Cincinnati and peak their interests. No matter what you like to do, you can fill your mind with it here in the Cincinnati area. In our attempt to meet this goal, here are the principles we will employ:

1. Have fun - Yes, this is something we are doing for fun. Fun doesn't mean everything is a joke. Fun means we enjoy what we are writing about. If we get a little irreverent along the way, well, blame the booze. In the case of some of our writers, blame the Nietzsche.
2. Be honest - Our writers are going to write what is on their minds. They will not go on personal crusades. They will not fear telling the truth. If something sucks, they are going to say it sucks. They will not be jerks about it or will not be writing here.
3. Be original - Lead. Only follow when the leader is worth being followed. Make waves, don't just ride them.
4. Write from your point of view - We are writing opinion. We are not a news organization, so don't be surprised when we like something or don't like something.
5. Be intellectual - We are not fluff. We're going to use our noggin and make the reader use theirs too. We will try, desperately, to not make it stuffy and certainly will try to not make it boring.
6. Be factual - We will try to make everything we write as accurate as possible. We will try not to give an opinion that is laced with ulterior motives. If we have a stake in something, we will be up front about it.
7. Be different, but not just because - Difference is great. Being different just to break away from something popular is about ego, not about learning. We are unique, but we want to relate and communicate with everyone. We can't do that if we just are going to shy away from other people who are doing great things. If something is popular we want to know why. We may not like it, but we'll try to let you be judge of that, after we give our take.